Global Warming & Hot Flashes

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Global Warming is really starting to get on my nerves.  I’m having constant hot flashes AND I’m sleep deprived.  It’s a bad combination.  What are the climate control specialists doing about it?  Don’t they know Global Warming is having a negative effect on the lives of women everywhere?

It’s 1:30 in the morning and I can’t sleep.  I’m listening to the waves crashing on the beach outside with 2 dogs sound asleep next to me and I STILL can’t sleep.  Maybe I’m awake because my husband isn’t here.   Maybe I’m jet-lagged.  Or maybe it’s simply Global Warming stealing my precious shut-eye time.

I recently scheduled an appointment with a doctor who specializes in Global Warming.  I haven’t been to see him yet but I had to fill out a questionnaire that was a thick as a phone book (for those of you who don’t know what a phone book looks like, you can see one on Google Images).   The questions really freaked me out.  The Global Warming Specialists KNOW the answers to your questions before you even pick up the pen:

Please check any of the following symptoms that you have experienced:

  • Hot Flashes:  Check
  • Trouble Sleeping:  Check
  • Mood Swings:  Do they have surveillance cameras in here?  Check
  • Anxiety:  Filling out these forms are making me anxious.  Check
  • Fatigue:  I can’t sleep so of COURSE I’m FATIGUED.  What a STUPID QUESTION!  Check
  • Vaginal Dryness:  Why is a Global Warming Specialist asking me about my cookie?  I marked it as “None of Your Business”
  • Decreased Libido:  Well IF the above question is checked, can’t these guys figure out the answer to this one?  I marked it “None of Your Business”
  • Problems with Memory:  I can’t remember how I answered this one.

When I finally finished answering all of their extremely personal questions, I laughed hysterically.  I looked around at the other “hot” women in the room and wondered which ones were thinking about accidentally hitting their husbands in the head with a hammer or locking their children in the basement.  Their anxious, sleep-deprived eyes looked at me hoping I would share a good joke with them and make them laugh too.  If they only knew what I was thinking….and did I really use the word hysterical?  Now that’s funny.

If Global Warming is (or has) affected you too, please write your local congressman AND don’t forget to share your humor with us.

9 Comments:

  • Guidi
    November 9, 2011

    They should have asked about the body swelling we’re experiencing too — obviously caused by the heat.

    • November 9, 2011

      The problem is simple: my body isn’t swelling in the right places 🙂

  • Frank
    November 9, 2011

    You want to know if it has affected me? Check.

    • November 9, 2011

      Are you having hot flashes too? You need to write a letter to your local congressman!

  • Lynn Pecora
    November 9, 2011

    Molly, ok, first thing I am having a hard time believing that a doctor specializes in global warming, but if you say so……… long and short of it, get use to hot flashes and getting up between the hours of 2-3 AM. I am a specialist in this area if you would like to use your co-pay deductable and come see me!

    • November 9, 2011

      I’ll come see you and we can sweat together 🙂

  • Vicki
    November 9, 2011

    I prefer to think of them as “power surges”. Just got back from the southern hemisphere and they call them hot flushes….. I guess that means the adipose is being flushed to the wrong places. Interesting how it happens over night!

    • November 10, 2011

      I just got back from Australia too…maybe we can blame it on the southern hemisphere!

    • November 10, 2011

      And let’s hope that our fat is being flushed to all the wrong places….uggh! 🙂

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